Defacto Parenting

My husband and I have no children. We discussed the possibility of adoption years ago but never ended up following through. This summer my 13-year-old nephew Jonathan is with us on Kauai. My mom has spent time alone with him before; we have not. When Jonathan was younger, he loved coming to Hawaii and told my mother how he planned to move here someday and marry an Asian woman. But now as he enters adolescence his interests lie less in the fascinating lush environment of the Garden Island and more with endless video games with friends. When asked, he less often shares boyish daydreams about future plans but rather, responds in monotone, one-word grunts. Nor does he appear to enjoy quite as much spending time with "aging" family members (even though we are much more active than your garden variety senior citizen)

Don't get me wrong. Jonathan is not totally withdrawn. He is a good kid with a creative sense of humor that keeps me laughing constantly. And I have never had the chance to spend time with him without his mother or father being present. So I do view this as an opportunity.

But Jonathan is 13. Need I say more.

After my brother left, it became apparent that we needed to establish some kind of routine for the boy, particularly after he received permission to purchase a used XBox360 from Gamestop. I convinced my mother to make him use money he received from Uncle Jeff (my other brother) for the purchase. JW is not easily parted with his money so I assume he was jonesing pretty hard.

As I am not well versed in the world of video, I was hardly prepared for what came next.

The 12-hour XBox marathon began with a 7 a.m. wake up call -- Jonathan talking animatedly to friends on a mic connected to the game, a huge departure from the monosyllabic "conversation" I'd been used to. I must admit being somewhat awed by the wonders of technology. I had no idea one could interact in this way. Jonathan was fully immersed in a way I hadn't seen him in a long time which made me understand a little more fully the new way the younger generation relates to one another.

We were all pretty wiped after my two brothers and their significant others left so this day was spent with a needed respite. No one had the energy for organized activity. So the adults sat (I watched two hours of Project Runway) and Jonathan played. Before we knew it, he had been on for 12 hours.

I was shocked. And worried. I may not have been the one to insist that Jonathan stay in Hawaii for a month, but I certainly couldn't just let the kid veg out with video games -- even if it did give him the chance to interact with friends.

We decided to have a discussion with Jonathan about what he felt was a fair and balanced way to allow him to have fun, but keep his brain from turning into technological mush. The conversation seemed to go well and we were able to establish a framework for his cyberschedule with Jonathan's help.

Its been two days since the marathon and we have finally settled on a plan. Jonathan has been great; he has not given us any resistance.

This one incident has really opened my eyes to the complications of parenting. I know that parents tend to look at childfree couples (a term I learned from a book on accepting infertility) with a raised eyebrow when we spout off advice and now I see why. While I am not fully willing to give up my outsider privilege I do appreciate more, the complex nature and shear energy it takes to parent a child. I see why sometimes one must be inconsistent because to be any other way is beyond exhausting.

When dealing with non-video time, I employed a trick I learned from friends who are parents. Give specific choices. So I asked Jonathan, "Which do you want, surf lessons or hula lessons?" He gave me one of those teenager WTF looks. "I don't want either of those," he said.

"Well," you have to choose something." I said. "What's your choice?" "Hiking." He replied. Bobby took him on the 11 mile Nu'alolo/Awa-'awapui trail. Phew! I'm tired.